The Theory of Author's Husbands

I was recently asked to expound upon my theory of author's husbands, aka the male spouses of female writers. Typically, they are not writers themselves. They are as varied as the human race allows and do not easily lend themselves to being stereotyped, but I have never let anything like that stop me when voicing a stupid opinion.

I refer to this as a “stupid opinion” to differentiate it from more fact based observations and because I still recall its origin. Like most of my "stupid opinions", it came to existence in a book conference hotel room, late at night, surrounded by my fellow writers, all of us a little worse for the chocolate and wine. Though many have heard me voice these words, I hesitate to put them into print as I will undoubtedly be required to eat them later.

Disclaimers to start: I have been extremely fortunate in my life to have two of the best author husbands imaginable. Without Mr. Morsi, Pamela Morsi, would have never existed. I think I have duly credited him in my bio and elsewhere for everything he did in his too-short lifetime. And my new husband, Bill, is perfect…not perfect in general, but perfect for me. And in honor of yesterday and our 11^th anniversary, I think I shall no longer call him my “new” husband. He definitely now fits into the category of “used”.

With that said: My theory of author's husbands has been honed over the last twenty-two years in this business. I have been fortunate to meet and become friends with so many writers. The ones I've come to know best have been women. And most of the women are married. Many husbands have been met, but even more have been spoken of, confessed upon and gossiped about.

These, I have divided in four distinct groups.

THE ROAD BLOCK: This husband will do everything he can to make sure that your writing dream never becomes a reality.

Amazingly, this particular guy often comes as a complete surprise to his spouse. They have gone along for years with nothing beyond everyday annoyances. But on the day the would-be writer shares her dream, it’s like a switch has been thrown. He is going to do everything that he possibly can to keep you from achieving your goal. Not limited to, but frequently including incredulity, derision and shaming.

Often, after a spate of kindly pointing out how much smarter or more educated you would need to be to pursue a writing career, he will offer you up as the butt of the joke at a family dinner where your mother-in-law can ask, “What on earth has gotten into you?” And the whole clan (his clan, of course, because they are probably a lot like him) can have a great laugh at your crazy idea. If that doesn’t work, he’ll expand to including friends and neighbors into the “you’ll not believe how silly my wife is” narrative. If you persist, he is sure to double-down with lectures about neglecting your children and your duty to your family by attempting to follow a selfish pipe dream.

“He just worries about me,” the writer will rationalize to her friends. “He couldn’t bear to see me hurt and disappointed.”

Apparently he is likewise loathe to see you happy and successful. Without highs and lows, there is no life, only existence.

I would never suggest that someone bug out on her marriage, and I won’t here. The truth about all of us is that we mellow in time. If you can hold out for a couple of decades, he might well come around. Just promise me that you’ll never believe of yourself what he believes of you.

THE GOLF SHIRT: This is the happy, easy going guy who is completely delighted for you to pursue any goal that you choose…as long as it doesn’t inconvenience him in any way.

I picked the term Golf Shirt for this guy mostly because it conjures up a certain image for me of a man who takes his own leisure as seriously as he does his life. This is a spectrum, of course. And a whole lot of fellows show up someplace on it. You probably had him pegged the day that you married him. But you married him anyway. A spectrum is something you can work with.

He may be a wonderful cheerleader. He’s happy that you’re happy. He’s excited that you’re excited. He’s ready to quietly listen though weeks of dinners about the upcoming conference and the pitch you’ve planned to make to the intimidating NY publishing house editor. He’ll be nodding and smiling as you try it out on him. Assuring you with absolute sincerity that the red suit does look powerful and does not seem to make your butt bigger.

Be prepared. On the morning of your pitch, as you’re puttering in front of the bathroom mirror, he’ll come walking in dressed in camo and orange.

“Why are you wearing that?”

“It’s the first day of quail season.”

“This is my conference day. This is when I pitch my book. You're supposed to keep L’il Buddy.”

He will turn to look at you as if you’ve completely lost your mind.

“Honey, the baby is way too young to take hunting.”

Suffice to say, it takes a firm hand to steer the ship of matrimony and sometimes it’s going to have to be yours.

THE MANAGER: This guy believes whole-heartedly in your writing talent and potential for success (I mean, really, how hard can it be) and he’s going to “help” you with the “business side of things”.

Now as a writer who really just wants to write, this guy can be very tempting. Does it not sound like heaven on earth to simply write stories and have them magically appear in the hands of readers worldwide? To give out your self-promotion bling at the Walmart without ever worrying what the stuff costs and how well it is translating into sales. To be able, after the niceties with your agent, to hand him the phone and let them hash out the inequities of the next contract.

Don’t. Like castor oil or the elliptical machine, there are things in life that are not pleasant but have to be done. You are as capable of learning “the business side” of things as anyone else. If your math is bad, use a calculator. If you’re shy, refer to yourself in the third person. If you don’t know anything, find stuff out.

This is your career and you must take responsibility for it. Giving over half is the same as setting up a scapegoat. This is not good for your self-esteem and it can be really hard on your happily-ever-after.

I mean, honestly, it is not as if being a husband automatically makes him better at this than you. Nothing in his background as doctor, lawyer or Native American CEO is anything like the book business. He’s faking it until he finds his way. You can do exactly the same.

THE BEST: This author's husband is the ideal. He’s a magical creature, but not a mythical one. Somehow he knows when to let you cry on his shoulder and when to tell you to shut up and get back to work.

This man has figured out how to paraphrase the golden rule into the marriage rule. He does for his wife, what he would expect his wife to do for him. He appreciates your talent. He also respects your time. He may put his foot down about you working on vacation. But he’ll unpack and do the laundry when you get home so you can get right into it.

Writing is not a 9 to 5 day job. In truth it doesn’t lend itself to a timeclock at all. It’s almost a calling. It requires cooperation and sacrifice from the whole family. Whether that pays off financially or merely in life satisfaction is always in question. Creativity, by its very nature, is hard to bottle and harder to sell. But the writing life can be lonely as well as fulfilling. Finding a helpmate that understands that sometimes it is going to be all about you, can be a bulwark in a world of stormy weather. And that is what marriage is supposed to be about.

Years ago Mr. Morsi and I went to talk to another couple who were having trouble. The man’s award winning, top-selling wife was something he hadn’t counted on.

“She wasn’t like this when I married her,” the husband complained.

In his very quiet, very wise way, Mr. Morsi replied, “Yes, but you did promise ‘for better’ as well as ‘worse’.”

As I said in the beginning, I came up with these husband types years and years ago now. From my observation, husbands generally seem to be improving. Maybe all those sons we raised are doing a better job at this than their fathers did. Those fathers, after all, grew up in a different world with different expectations for their wives. Or maybe we’re all learning as we go along.

I hope that somebody found this helpful…or at least entertaining. As for the wives of male authors, hey you’ll have to write your own blog. I look forward to reading it.